| ANXIOUS
have to question now that maybe there’re changes in even that. Maybe
we don’t have ideas all the time. Now was a time to go over and enjoy
the change or whatever the things we’ve done in the past were (past-ure?).
The re-grouping, the center of the fractal. ANXIOUS’m hard on myself.
Myself as a hard on. ANXIOUS still want to play. But
play what? ANXIOUS don’t see anything currently available,
none of the tools at hand, jumping to my attention, nothing’s grabbing
me, so then ANXIOUS wonder if ANXIOUS don’t just want new tools, different
tools. It’s possible that ANXIOUS don’t even understand what a tool
is anymore.
This is reiterating what ANXIOUS’ve already thought. ANXIOUS don’t intend on sharing this with anyone…ANXIOUS don’t feel revelatory…ANXIOUS don’t feel any great understanding coming my way. ANXIOUS really don’t sense any drastic change whatever. That might be part of the problem. A stagnation. ANXIOUS don’t’ know. ANXIOUS want something to accomplish, a goal. A less money-oriented goal? ANXIOUS can think of any number of goals right
now, things that, in the end, might very well appear as perfect justifications
for the bullshit ANXIOUS’d have to go through to get there, but those are
the only types of goals ANXIOUS can fathom right now; ones that have almost
entirely to do with money. ANXIOUS fucking hate it. Besides,
if ANXIOUS really wanted any of those ‘goals’ that can only be directly
attained through more money bad enough, well, then, it seems to
me that ANXIOUS’d have no problem working MORE for them. ANXIOUS
wonder how many times ANXIOUS have to say ‘ANXIOUS don’t know’ before
ANXIOUS either stop, or understand it’s obsolescence, or at least find
some decent adjectives. Just the ongoing struggle to improve myself.
ANXIOUS want to feel like dancing and loving and making music and seeing,
sensing, talking again. ANXIOUS just don’t feel it strongly enough
now to enact any of these wonders. No more great expectations for
a while. Now it seems just an indefinite chain of uncanny happenings,
little links of experience from day to day, moment to moment, a collection
of everyday memories, some possibly even memorable.
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